I hesitate to even reply to you bryan. I like what you said, but I feel like it contradicts every sense I have. And yet your outlook is so much superior to mine. Does that make sense? I feel like my atheism is a disease, and I worry that by talking about it too much I'm going to spread it. It's something I'm trying to get rid of myself, so why do I defend it so vehemently? I guess because I know I can't have faith unless it is built on something more solid than what I've encountered so far.

That said, in reply to Bryan's remarks, it seems that believing in God for the sole reason that 'it gives my life meaning' is a bitter pill to take. If you can keep it down then good, congratulations, you now believe in God and have meaning. You can run along at a fast clip knowing your actions have higher purpose and wake up and go to sleep happier. But if you can't keep it down, (and how can you once you've all but admitted that you only believe in order to have some more meaning in life) then the seeds of doubt will grow and spread and suddenly you'll find yourself running along without meaning, waking up and going to sleep empty, and trust me that's not a fun transition.

I think I could just say, "poof! I believe" and I would go to church thrice a week and pray every night and attend seminary (because if you believe why would you not want to devote your life to it? A different problem I have) and I would have meaning. And it would last a while. But those seeds would grow and I would end up suddenly with no faith and no coping mechanisms for not having faith. And I would probably kill myself, because I have no idea how I would take that.

And so I don't do it that way, I stumble along slowly, being inhibited by a very strong feeling that life is meaningless and that nothing I'm doing matters in the least. But safe from any sudden overwhelming jolt of meaninglessness that could take me down too hard.

Does anyone else worry that giving in too much to those kisses and grand canyons (and Hubble telescope images) can set you up for a great fall. That all those millions of credit card receipts, and getting up and shaving the same stubble every morning, and mopping the same floor twice a week and all, that it will just add up and one day to take you down when you're not expecting it? That fear is almost as great in me as the fear that I'll never find a God to believe in.

posted by john owens-ream   [12:06 AM]

[ website ] :: [ contact ] :: [ home ]

XML