In the past ten minutes I've caught up on the past month's discussion, and regretted the lost time. My understanding of YHWH (remember the tetragrammaton) is incomplete and not very healthy. It seems like a sort of disease. Even so, here goes. First, I want to proceed by a different path in describing reality. N.T. Wright suggested in one of his works that narrative is much more fundamental to worldview than philosophy/theology. I would go further and say that some worldviews, especially the theistic one, are inexpressible and incomprehensible except through narrative. At least for me. I share in Tae-Yeoun's faith (really it seems too obvious to require faith) that literature allows to experience perspectives we would otherwise never understand. Mainly though, I am talking about the big stories, metanarratives. This could be the belief of much of America that Jesus will soon appear and push Beverly Hills into Silicon Valley (an expression of contempt for an elite). Or the story of Oedipus (there’s no way I'm going to try to state it in 'philosophical' terms). Both of these have a hold on certain groups and betray key aspects of their worldviews. They even seem at times to create worldviews. To describe god’s actions is easier and more sensible than describing his character, just as discussions of evolutionary history are the quickest way to understand the the darwinist outlook. So when I talk about what god I believe in, I want to tell you a story about him.
For nearly a year I have been haunted by one tale from the Torah. Moses has just been at the burning bush and is about to return from exile.
It is in Exodus chapter 4 of my bible.

19And the LORD said unto Moses in Midian, Go, return into Egypt: for all the men are dead which sought thy life.
20And Moses took his wife and his sons, and set them upon an ass, and he returned to the land of Egypt: and Moses took the rod of God in his hand.
21And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.
22And thou shalt say unto Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD, Israel is my son, even my firstborn:
23And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn.
24And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.
25Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
26So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.
27And the LORD said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.

(It is really necessary that you read all of the Moses material previous to that and all of the narrative on Jacob. Hopefully, though, this snippet will suffice)

This passage begins with YHWH's seemingly ironic statement that no one in Egypt wants to kill Moses. However, YHWH himself seeks to kill Moses. I do not think we can assume He would have been unhappy if his intent had been realized. This vision of a murderous god has possessed me. It excites in me an ambivalent feeling, at once YES and NO. It is a god I sense to be a real but fear, a god who may really be responsible for this beautiful and terrifying and banal world.
This passage comes immediately after the dialogue, argument really, at the burning bush where Moses tries to make YHWH disclose his name. The physical struggle and the contention over the name both recall Jacob's struggle with the angel when he was about to return from his exile (I remember Jacob discussing this once during seminar). The God of these early books of the Torah seems to be one violently involved with his most devout followers. Such involvement suggests that the Fall was a very, very serious event, one which 'original sin' does not adequately describe. It seems that these men and their god have been in battle since that moment.
Of couse this picture of god does not resemble Dostoevsky’s illuminating 'image of the Russian christ' or any other god much worshipped by civilized people or TASPers. Though I have yet to locate this image in the gospels, perhaps it is there. Jesus came to bring the sword that would turn father against son. When he spoke of his kingdom he said 'the violent will bear it away.' When Moses arrived at the inn and Jacob camped on the Jabbok, they found themselves at the edge of that eden kingdom. In return from a common exile they received YHWH's violent welcome.

So...for one year I have been stopped before that story, unable to proceed in meditation on any other object. As I said, I hold narratives to be the preferable way of ordering and expressing our understanding of the world, or 'experience'. We must choose the one that does the best job for us. Since we can step out of ourselves in reading it is always possible to exchange one's outlook, or narrative, for one that makes better sense of experience. At this moment, I am still trying to understand this particular tale and the type of god and men it describes. It works in me like the seed of an eccentric faith.

posted by Matthew Schmitz   [8:49 PM]

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